I found this on my computer

What is Truth?

            Truth is something that can be altered by no one. I believe that telling the truth means telling all of the truth and not just a piece of it. By only telling one part all the other parts become assumed by other people and may not be true. Truth is a questionable topic as its contents are determined by how well it is suited by each individual. I think that truth is a belief.

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I wrote this when I was eight years old. I am positive this wasn't for any assignment or anything like that either.
I'm not even sure what to think. I am really weird.
-T.

swimming

cool water lapping over our bodies
your eyes poring over my body
my eyes watching your hot gaze
your big hands sneaking and pressing
my blue bathing suit enticing and yet shrouding
you inch closer to me
suddenly my legs around yours
just rotating on the outside of your heat
its pressure felt through the layers
i pull away, we swim
my arms pulling separating the water
your strong legs pushing us forward
away

confidence

        It's my senior year of high school, and I have been steadily gaining confidence. I believed in myself like I never had before. I felt good about myself and I felt good about going to school. People at school liked me and with some effort I was doing great in all of my classes. I even hung out with people twice already this winter break, and it's only been half a week. I never hang out with people. Too much guilt usually, but I've talked about that before.
        All of that has been dashed in the past two days. I don't know why I am taking that admissions decision to heart so much. All the memorabilia of UChicago are ubiquitous around my house. My home page is still their website. I can't bring myself to change it. I see a picture of the campus, I see people I follow on Tumblr debating which dorm to get, I see them posting their acceptance letters, I see the people on Facebook who were accepted, and I can't stand it. They deserve it so much and I am really happy that they got in, they all worked so hard for it, but I wanted to be there too. Every time I see anything like this, which is so often, I just start bawling.
        I am feeling a pain that I haven't felt in a while. The little bit of confidence I had simply dissipated. I can't focus on my other college applications. I don't feel that I deserve to college anywhere. I want to disappear much of the time.
-T.

more college things.

        My friends have been so supportive of me. I know that college admissions are not a measure of my character or worthiness, but it's hard to believe that especially when I gave everything I had to UChicago. I am so not alone in my deferral, and I'm glad that I wasn't outright rejected. I think that would have been too much to bear.
        Something I have noticed in this process is that socially, a rejection/deferral of a worthy candidate is rarely attributed to something that the candidate must have done wrong. It's assumed to be an idiotic decision or a mistake on the college's part. It's just really nice to know that people aren't going to think less of me because of what a college somewhat arbitrarily decides about me.
         I've added a college tab to this blog. I'm applying to a lot of pretentious schools, but I really like them. There were several that I was thinking of applying to but I really tried to limit myself to schools that I could actually see myself attending. The only one that I don't really want to go to is Princeton. My parents are forcing me to apply there for the financial aid. My mom for some reason is convinced that they will accept me. She is beyond ridiculous. I could never have half a shot at getting in, and I don't even particularly like the school. It's a great school, but just not for me. I can't decide if I should put up my stats there too, what do you think? I'll get judged hard, so I don't know.
         Next round of decisions comes out late March/early April. Hopefully  my self-worth won't be hurt so much again!
-T.

Deferral

         I can't believe it. Well I can, but I don't know.. it just seems so wrong. I can't picture myself anywhere else. I put forth the greatest effort into UChicago, I showed the most interest, and yet I couldn't get accepted. If this is the case, then what will happen with the schools that I am only mildly interested in, because I spent all of my college energy into the one school? How am I supposed to get into anywhere worthwhile if I can't get into the one I worked the hardest on? I poured forth my soul and heart into the extended essay, but I guess it isn't good enough.
        I'm angry. I have no right to be angry. They deferred nearly everyone from my school and accepted only a Hispanic guy and a girl who only wants to go to Cambridge and doesn't give a shit about UChicago. I honestly expected to get in, and that was silly of me. That was so silly of me. People made lists of those applying to UChicago from my school in order of most likely to get in. I was always top one or two. Since they accept 5-7 people from my school each year regardless of how many apply, I thought it would be me. I really thought it would be me. But I'm not good enough. I got so cocky. I didn't even write the optional supplement. I am so stupid. This decision has really put me in my place because I've blown myself up in my own head, just like when YA was rejected from Stanford. It was the needle to his swelled head, and this is mine.
         The University of Chicago was somewhere that my intellectuality was supposed to be appreciated. My oddities were supposed to fit. Everything wrong with me was supposed to be justified. Alas, I suppose it was just a marketing ploy. The new director of admissions sole motivation is to increase the applicant pool, so that they can have their pick of the lot while lowering the acceptance rate.
          I drowned myself in chocolate. I tore up a UChicago brochure while wetting it with my tears. I took down the poster in front of my treadmill that used to motivate me. I unfollowed all of their Twitter accounts. Through all the bitterness, I was forced to face the fact that I probably would not attend the University of My Dreams. At the same time, I can finally concentrate on my remaining applications, which are due in about ten days (OMG.) I don't have to feel like I'm cheating on UChicago (they put me on the back burner first!), and I don't have any excuse to half-ass the essays. This one school isn't so important to me anymore. A good university is a good university, and some just have more enticing advertisements. Wherever I end up, I will make good friends and be an outstanding student. Some of my peers haven't even gotten any acceptance letters at all, and I have two from great schools under my belt. UChicago may have some of the smartest students according to College Prowler, but they are also the ugliest. Why would I want to be categorized with them? If they want to stay ugly, then so be it.  I have another shot in the regular round, and we'll see how it goes. I'll end up somewhere good, and it doesn't have to be UChicago.
-T.

Week of Uncertainty

        UChicago decisions come out next Monday, around "mid-afternoon." I am very frightened, but excited, because well, I honestly feel like I have a pretty good chance of getting in. This is based on my statistics, my writing ability, personality fit, and overall passion I have for the school. But this makes everything scarier. It seems that the more hope you have for something, the more frightening the possibility is of the opposite happening. I am probably being conceited, but I really just want in.
        Another thing I've noticed about my life is that if I set a goal, I always reach it. I reach it and nothing further, but essentially I get everything I want. I have gotten everything I want so far in life. I'm scared that in this college application process that I will finally have my day of failure. We'll see I guess. And if I get rejected, well then I have a few days to churn out a few more college essays/applications.
-T.

James Baldwin

"Sugar-plum, what you want to be so evil with your baby for? Don't you know you done made me go out and get drunk, and I wasn't a-fixing to do that? I wanted to take you out somewhere tonight." And, while he spoke, his hand was on her breast, and his moving lips brushed her neck. And this caused such a war in her as could scarcely be endured. She felt that everything in existence between them was part of a might plan for her humiliation. She did not want his touch, and yet she did: she burned with longing and froze with rage. And she felt that he knew this and inwardly smiled to see how easily, on his part of the battlefield, his victory could be assured. But at the same time she felt that his tenderness, his passion, and his love were real.

- Go Tell It on the Mountain (1987), James Baldwin

This is how I feel. This is why I love literature. It can take all of the perplexing and swirling emotions inside of me and suddenly it is there in front of me, in black and white. Little pieces of me are found in every book, and I leave a bit of myself there too.
Words can't say everything, but they know what you felt. 

dubious.

        I am seeing more and more how incompatible D and I really are. Actually, I knew it all along, but I am being reminded of it further. My friend asked me what I thought D liked about me. All I could think of was "ass" and "vagina." I grew curious, and so I talked to D about it and we each compiled lists of what we liked about the other:

what D likes about me

• ass
• vagina
• smartness - but not smart-ass-ness
• personality (selectively)

what i like about D

• height
• whiteness
• good at math/science
• money
• cute family
• pretty eyes
• funny some of the time

It looks like I was spot on with the first two, and it's kind of funny but not really. I made up the excuse that once you get to know someone really well, it's hard to quantify them in traits. I have no idea if that's true or not, and I am just making up excuses really. I wonder what our relationship is founded on, but I'm afraid to know. The traits that I like the most about myself: work ethic, empathy, love of art, critical thinking; he despises them all. I can't recall a single intelligent conversation we have had where we talk about deeper things in which he hasn't just tried to make me be quiet because he doesn't want to think about it. How can this be, when introspection and curiosity are what I live for? His arrogance, his close-mindedness, his lack of work ethic all drive me nuts. What makes it all worse is that when we have problems he refuses to talk about it and he just shuts me out. This is supposed to demonstrate his power and drive me crazy, and it does. But it doesn't help anything. It only teaches me to avoid making him mad by way of deceit and keeping things from him. When I don't agree with him, I try to not even bring it up because I know that it will make everything worse. Conflicts in relationships are supposed to help people understand each other, not always drive them apart. It's not that we have had problems very recently, but that's because I keep things from him so that we won't have problems. That's not to say that there aren't some unquantifiable things that I love about him. I do enjoy his company and he really did charm the pants right off of me. 

        I just recall the great infatuation we had for each other and it was the most thrilling few weeks of my life. Of course, it didn't last. How could it? I think I still feel a part of myself yearning for it, and holding out hope that it will come again even though I know it won't. Why are we together still? Is it merely because we are comfortable with each other, and because it is just convenient? He does get to come home from college and have someone always fuckable there waiting for him. I get the comfort of knowing that someone is obligated to be close to me. I sometimes wonder what's keeping him from just cheating on me at college. Especially next semester, when he is at U of I with his friends, there will be so much temptation. I told him that if he ever gets the urge to cheat on me to just call me up and break up with me first. I know he's not cheating on me, just because he is too prideful for it if anything. I think that I must be saving him from a plethora of STIs because he would have no sexual restraint without a girlfriend meekly waiting at home for him. Why does he even like me? I am a nice warm vagina that he can consistently rely on. Even if I'm more than that, how can I ever know? I was speaking to LE and it turns out LE is a pretty big horndog as well, and has definitely used girls for their bodies. He is more restrained, but it's so frustrating to see that men truly are all the same, even ones I look up to the most. They are so driven by sex, and I can't even keep boys from focusing on that aspect of me because I am such a slut. I just sort of let them do what the want with me. Where is that balance of having a sexually fulfilling relationship that still allows for mental connection?
       I know that I care for D more deeply than I do for any other person in this whole world. I want us to be happy, and I want us to be able to like each other for who we are, without needing to hide ourselves. I don't know if that is possible, just because we are so different. We value totally different things. I keep thinking that if I suck it up and stick it out things will change. I will find a way to fix myself, I will find a way to fix him. I'm not sure if that can happen.
This has been a nonsensical and terribly unorganized post, a reflection of my confliction. 

-T.

P.S. RIP Grandpa. 

The Death of Ivan Ilych

        We are reading this book in English class, and it is just awesome. It brings raises the question of what I would do in the face of death, either of myself or of those around me, and it comes at a coincidental time. A few days ago my dad received a phone call from his brother in China, saying that my grandfather wasn't doing so well. As a result, my dad is going to frantically fly to China in a week. After sobbing to BD on the phone, he suggested that I go with. I gave it a lot of thought. I'd have to miss about two weeks of school, and that would leave me with a lot of work to make up in several difficult classes. Eventually I decided that BD was right. Two weeks of school and plane ticket money should not be more important than being able to see my grandfather for the last time. After all, most of my teachers seem pretty accommodating. I am sure that I could get lengthy extensions and I could have them email me pretty often with notes and such. Most of school is a waste of time anyway. I wake up obscenely early so that I don't get enough sleep and so that it is counterproductive. Some classes of my classes, such as AP Economics, Physical Education, and AP English, are altogether useless, boring, and/or redundant. The only classes that I really feel I need to be there for are AP Physics C, the math class I assistant teach for, and perhaps Advanced Math Topics.
        I brought it up to my dad, and he is open to me going but also suggests against it. Then my mom got wind of it, and, as I knew she would, instantly started attacking me. She said that I had already just seen him over the summer, and I was going to fail out of all my classes, and that I am only thinking of myself and not of all the extra money they would spend. She also said that I am a huge burden, and if I went then I deserve to pay for my own college tuition. Of course, she topped it off with, "but you have to make your own decisions, I'm not going to say anything." I honestly didn't know what to say to her. This is the same woman who blatantly told my sister that her grandpa is going to die soon. I don't understand how a human being could be so cold-hearted, and I am utterly ashamed to be her offspring. The rare times when people don't actually give a fuck about human compassion, they at least attempt to disguise it. I know it would cost about an extra $1000, but I wish she would at least give it some consideration. I wonder if she really believes that I am being incredibly selfish and didn't think about it at all, and am going to make a vacation out of hanging out with my grandfather day in and day out at the hospital while he has ten different tubes coming out of him attaching him to beeping machines. My mom doesn't make any sense whatsoever. This is fucking life and death we are talking about. I don't know what to do or say anymore.
-T.

American bigotism.

"When I was in high school, my peers and I were more focused on our own town and community than a global impact, like you are today. Recently I was in China, and I was told that their students are much more higher achieving than American students, that they were more advanced and prepared for global advancement. I looked around in their classrooms and examined their education during my stay. While they may be more academic, I knew that if I stuck any of the students from my school in their Chinese classrooms, they would be successful. They have their math, but I know that American students surpass them in every other aspect. You have character, and your service to the community shows that you are ready to compete in a global economy. You will not let them steal your lunch. The fact that the Chinese government invited us educational administrators from America shows that they know that they are no match for us. On my flight home, I was certain and confident in the ability of our students to continue to be at the top of the world economy."

- a paraphrase of the bulk of my high school principal's National Honor Society Induction Ceremony speech

        Most of the room was silent throughout his speech like they were supposed to be, and some remainder of the room was clearly trying not to laugh out loud and making satirical comments. I have to say that I was of the latter portion. I am disgusted and disappointed in the lack of tact and critical thinking of my own school administrators. Honestly though, this is what most of my town believes. That is not to say that China's education system does not have significant pitfalls; I'll be the first to admit that. Yes, it is very focused on academics and does not leave much room for any other personal development. This is something that nobody can deny. However, was this really the time and place for a high school principal to give this kind of a speech? He was trying to instill his opinion on who he thought could handle it, the "smarter" portion of the school (even though NHS means nothing.) He never even stopped and thought about how to be more objective, or make it more relevant to NHS at all. It became his pedestal for propelling forth his notions, and not about congratulating the inductees.
        Moreover, this speech embodies the elitist attitude that America has developed over its short stint as a world power. Every media outlet is suddenly bagging on China because it is suddenly a threat to American world power, for anything from "human rights" (which basically means anything) to "Communism" (even though China is more capitalist than the U.S. and remains Communist only in party name.) Also, my principal's confirmation bias proved to him that the invitation to China was China's admittance to its inferiority. What he did not stop to think about was that in China, people have a different attitude from that of Americans. They are constantly learning and growing and looking to others for ways to do that. As a whole, Americans find something that sort of works, stick with it, and refuse to try anything else. China has so many problems, but at least they try to fix things, and when they do, they do it for the long term and not for an election cycle. America may be a world power now, but that will cease to be the case if the common thought is that there is no improvement necessary.
        Overall, my principal is entitled to his close-minded opinions. I simply did not appreciate his sharing of them at the NHS induction. Many of my peers are likely on the fence about issues like this, and they do not need some authority figure presenting a unilateral viewpoint the way he did at a formal ceremony. I wonder if anyone took that speech seriously, but I am afraid that many in the audience must have. Awkwardness only skyrocketed when the principal finished, and the elected NHS president rose to give his speech. He is Chinese.
-T.

Small Update: People are satirizing this speech all over Facebook. This relieves me greatly.

narwhals.

        I had quite an emotionally charged conversation with DC today about how unfair the college applications process is, how arbitrary it is, and how much about people it really neglects. Honestly I think the American one is one of the broader and better ones, but still it is so flawed. A girl paid over $300 per hour for ACT classes, and got the same score as I did and I feel like my score means nothing and I don't have anything that sets me apart from the rest of the pool. DC has everything that a college applicant could want, and yet she is still comparing herself to someone else who gets every leadership position in the school due to popularity. Some people really do just get it all, and don't leave so much for the rest of us. Even at her level, there is still so much to worry about. Everything is a gamble, and we all really take a college decision as a reflection on their own lives and worthiness.
       I think we all just need to take a step back, especially those of us at the top, (not trying to be narcy or anything but just statistically speaking,) and realize how fortunate we really are. I know it's cliche, but I just have to remember those people who couldn't get a 35 no matter how hard they tried, and no amount of expensive tutoring could get them there, and it doesn't even matter much of the time because they can't afford it.
       Also I am thinking that while I am stressed, it is easier for me to maintain a more realistic and even a little bit more optimistic of an outlook. This is because in the past I had never really believed that I could go to an amazing school. I hoped that I would get into U of I. It's not a bad school, but nowhere near the kinds of schools I am looking at now. My SAT score really opened so many doors for me, and my ACT confirmed it. I think it was my SAT that made me realize that I'm not average. The standardization let me put myself into perspective, and I couldn't let what I had go to waste. I am so fortunate to be able to even think about applying to a few ivy leagues, and now my dream school is a totally different caliber than it would have been before. I'm still going to worry incessantly and compare myself to others, but I am happy to be a relatively competitive applicant from my school. Sometimes I feel that I am just a mediocre minnow in a sea of glittering narwhals, but when I'm hanging with the narwhals I have to remember that I lose perspective.

Who would have thought that I could achieve what I have today?

-T.

too much sass lately

        I have been really sassing everyone lately. The most recent example was yesterday, when I let D know that I particularly detested a friend of his. The topic arose when I found that he liked and commented on facebook pictures of her butt. She is the biggest attention whore I have ever known, and her only friends are boys. The thing is, she is beautiful and has a bangin bod and a charming personality. It's hard to see beyond the surface, for boys especially. I do admit that I am indeed jealous of her in these respects, and it just upsets me that everyone seems to encourage her asinine behavior.
        Some funny background on her: Last year she posted a picture of her crotch with three boys around it on facebook. It was captioned something along the lines of, "after too many vag slaps!! ;)" Her mom and sister commented saying how un-ok that was, so she later took it down. Her ex-boyfriend, even while he was dating her, would complain loudly and incessantly about her vagina. He had several complaints about it, including odor, and he would also do so in front of children. Whenever he wanted to refer to it in a public place, he would make a flapping motion with his arms. (Now that is just BAD but ridiculously hilarious.) She has not had sex, but has received oral sex from many people, including a boy she didn't like though she knew he had been in love with her for years. Afterwords, she kissed his stomach all the way down to his fly, then went, "teehee, just kidding, I don't do that kind of stuff!"
        She actually goes around bragging to people that she doesn't do physical favors for boys, even for people she dates for a really long time. This is probably a big reason D vehemently denies that she is a skanky. She says things like, "I'm not like other girls," like she thinks she is better than other people because she doesn't do things for boys. WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK. This is so pseudo-feminist that it is anti-feminist. It's one thing to not do it because you don't want to, but it is completely different to claim that you are doing so because you are a "superior" person. Not to mention, it is plain old RUDE to always take and never give. She is beautiful, but she knows it all too well.
        Anyway, now I am being reprimanded for disrespecting him by disrespecting his friend. Nothing is said about him disrespecting me by commenting and liking another girl's butt picture. I couldn't care less if he just appreciated it, of course that is natural, he is an 18 year old boy for chrissakes. The commenting on it and stuff is unwarranted and he knows I am insecure and this really just reminds me of how replaceable and unimportant I am. D says that she is allowed to post whatever she wants on facebook. This is very true, but I honestly don't believe that this means I am not allowed to have an opinion on what she posts. I guess I have to go back to hiding my opinions lest he hate them and stop talking to me. I understand if he is upset with me, but really this shouldn't be such a big deal, and he can't just hate on me like this without reflecting on what wrong he has done. Of course, he doesn't do anything wrong so what am I talking about. I just hate so much having to cover my feelings up, and when I don't tell him my feelings I feel like I am keeping something from him and I also have to make up fake feelings so that I don't act like the cynical brat I really am. I am always apologizing because I hate the fighting and the not talking, but I don't believe I really should be doing that.
        If he wants to break up with me he should do so,  and if he really wants to make this work he should start acting like it.
-T.

cawlej.

        Yesterday I submitted three college applications: U of I, Notre Dame, and UChicago. Oh yeah, I really haven't updated at all on the college process. That's just because any energy I have to think about college, I am doing my applications. The moment I hit submit on the latter two, I got really nervous and almost regretted it because I could have edited all my essays ten more times. Still, I'm glad I got it over with; it's a really weird feeling because I have had the stress of applications for months. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion. I especially feel this way for UC, because my whole future is contingent on that application. I want to go there so badly. There is nothing that I want more at this moment, and it will be a ridiculously long two months wait to find out. Of course, that was only the first round of applications, just the early ones. I'm finding that it is hard for me to actually be interested in any school other than UC. I probably have a little fewer than ten schools to apply to, I don't even know. It just depends on my mood and how busy I am at this point.
        Today my school guidance counselor sent me a pass saying she wanted to "touch base" with me. She told me how much she enjoyed writing my letter of recommendation, and also that she was surprised to find that I am a year younger than others in my grade. I didn't even really consider this factor when I was helping her write my letter of recommendation, I don't even think about this. She said that older students have a natural advantage from the beginning, and this continues throughout their life spans. As a younger student who is still doing well in advanced classes, it is supposed to be really impressive. I always figured that it didn't make that much of a difference; I skipped from half of first grade to halfway through second grade, it was a head start at a young age. I didn't skip anything important or that I didn't already know. However, apparently teenagers mature very quickly. It could completely account for my freshman year. That one year made all the difference. I am feeling a little more confident in the applications process. She is really so sweet to me. I don't know why I would deserve any of the things I have in life, and I am so grateful for them. I have gotten so much support from everyone. Even my family; they paid around $200 in merely application fees yesterday. I just realized how much this process is going to cost. At about $100 per college, (application fees, ACT and SAT scores, transcripts, etc.) it's a tough process. It costs so much to apply and possibly get rejected.
        Anyway, I got 100 on my English test today. I don't think I deserved it. I wrote less and barely marked up the poems we were analyzing, while people next to me did much more and got little credit for it. I always thought it would be nice to be a teacher's favorite, but I just feel guilty mostly. I mean, I'm a favorite because I participate in class, do all my work, and have good ideas, so it's not totally unfounded. Yet, it still doesn't seem right. I don't know. I'm grateful for everything, even if I don't deserve it, and I'm sure that I can make the best of whatever happens to me.

what is the point of threats

Maybe I would have done what you told me to anyway, but then you had to go and threaten me and insult me. Apparently you expect me to be really happy to do your bidding after you just made me feel like absolute shit. Then you yell at me for having a bad attitude. I try to tell you to not threaten me and please not treat me like I killed someone the other day, but you keep telling me to shut up when I try to speak because you don't want to hear it. I can't tell you what I feel, and even if I could it wouldn't matter. You don't care what I feel.

When I do do your bidding because I have no other options, you clearly enjoy your power rush. Still though, you are upset because I don't seem to be a happy little sheep when I do it. Nonetheless, I do it, and you are relieved. You will use this as an example in the future of how I need to be threatened in order to get anything done. I can't refute lest you become upset with me again, and you have that set idea in your mind anyway. I am reinforcing your behavior because I have no choice, and I indeed become the docile, obedient robot you always wanted me to be.

It's as if you have to exert power over me or else I will lose respect for you. If by respect you mean fear, then you are correct. However I have some news for you. I have already lost all respect for you and that's likely not going to change. Respect is difficult to earn back. I know that only horrible kids don't respect their parents, but I'm okay with being one of those if it means being honest. Yes, I do agree that you are entitled to some degree of respect because you had sex and birthed me and gave me food and shelter. However much respect that got you though, has been negated tenfold. Perhaps I have lost your respect too, but that's okay because it's for things like trying to nap after school. I do it maybe once a week, and then I get a rant about a vicious cycle that will ruin my circadian rhythm except you don't use the term circadian rhythm because you know nothing about psychology, nor do you care about the state of my mental health.

I probably can't blame you. Your parents were most likely just like this too. At one point you were young and wanted to be great parents and were excited to start a family, but over time you forgot all the parenting books you read. You forgot that I have a mind of my own too, and you certainly don't want to be reminded of it. Every day you find some way to make me want to cut myself. It takes all of my willpower to not do that because I am not supposed to be doing that anymore.
-T.

my grandma's here

        My grandma flew in from Seattle last week and she's going to stay with us for about another month. She's pretty much awesome, she cooks the best food and she is really sane which is odd considering she is my mom's mom. In fact, the most amazing thing happened the other day: she yelled at my mom for basically being an insolent, immature, selfish child. My mother is seriously the hypocrite of the century. She was trying to get my grandma to shut up with stupid sarcasm and saying "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY" over and over while my grandma was talking. Yet, she scorns me when I am sarcastic. I have literally no respect for her, the only thing that keeps me from bitching her out most of the time is because I know it will just make her even more annoying. My mom doesn't take criticism from anyone, and I doubt she really took it to heart even though it was her mom, but she shut up for once. Of course, then afterwords she was driving me and it was really scary because she has the worst road rage and I was in fear for my life. Still, it was so incredibly worth it. My grandma also told her that my sister and I would end up having that horrible attitude rub off on us, and my mom shouldn't blame us if we act a certain way. This was my most righteous moment because I have been telling my mom this for years, which of course always backfires. I tell her that I get my bad attitude from her, and she says that it's my fault, that I should know to only learn the good things from her. This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, because that's like saying from birth I should have been able to differentiate good qualities from bad and only selectively emulate them. Of course, she has no logic so when I try to explain things to her, she pulls the, "I went to college, you didn't, I am so much more experienced than you are." If I'm so stupid then why does she waste her breath on me? I just wish she could see things from any point of view other than her own, because absolutely everyone knows that she is insane. She is such a negative person that I am so not surprised that I have had so much emotional trouble with myself.
        On weekends like today, she wakes me up by telling me I am a lazy fat ass and slams my door. She screams at me that it's 11 o'clock and I am so selfish by sleeping. I wake up and look at the clock and it's 10:15. It's like everything she tries to get me to do, she does it by attempting to guilt me into doing it. I do not want to wake up when the first sign of day is my bat shit crazy mother. Furthermore, I am not a lazy fat ass because I normally get around five hours of sleep during weekdays, resulting in an accumulation of about 18 hours of sleep. I am sorry if I want to sleep in during weekends. I am sorry that my brain needs rest and you can't understand that. I try to stop rewarding her asinine behavior by not listening to her when she is acting like that, but of course then she threatens me by saying she won't drive me to here or there or take me to the doctor so I can't win. I can't wait to move out.
-T.

Powderpuff

        Yesterday was my school's powderpuff game, in which junior and senior girls play football against one another as a Homecoming tradition. They dress up in decorated, glittery, skanky uniforms with punny/intimidating names. They create chants and bully one another, each trying to establish their dominance over the other grade level. Frankly, it's a classic example of the basic principle of social psychology. No matter our innate qualities, the situation and expectations of others will greatly skew our behaviors. The moment the teams are arbitrarily split by grade level, hostility and group-think is instantly created. With group-think comes group polarization, in which initially mild group decisions become increasingly extreme. Here is a Lord of the Flies scenario in action. I also cannot help but call to mind Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment.
        I participated last year, and couldn't help feeling silly and idiotic. During the school day there was endless bullying and glitter everywhere throughout the school. The seniors last year chanted a girl's name just because they hated her. This girl honestly was indeed very hate-worthy, but the chanting was incredibly unnecessary. During the game in the evening, there were several injuries, including one girl bleeding from the mouth from another girl ramming her head against her. This year, I chose not to participate in this savage activity, partially because of my personal gripes about it, and also because it seemed a waste of time and $60. This event is an excuse be absolutely obnoxious, it is not about football and it is not about school spirit. The vast majority of girls at my school are polite, civil persons the rest of the year. Powderpuff makes for a great social psychology example. I am sure that I would have acted similarly ridiculous had I joined in, and that realization of my own innate savage nature is frightening.
       I thought I would feel left out, but oddly enough, I felt very alternative which was kind of funny. Every class I was in some girl piped, "we should take a class powderpuff picture!" and I would be the only girl not in it. I felt like so not mainstream, it was great. I still helped my friends with their punny names and their fun makeup. A guy whom I have not spoken to since 8th grade came up to me in the hallway and said, "I heard you were the only senior girl not doing this stupid thing. That's awesome." It absolutely made my school day. After classes, we had a homecoming assembly which would undoubtedly be filled with more brutality. I skipped it and had D pick me up. Of course though, as I was ten feet from his car, I was stopped by a parapro and forced me to return to the assembly. Since it was already half over and I really did not want to attend, I just hid in the bathroom and played sudoku on my iPod for about forty minutes. I really really  hated my school at that moment. Anyway, it was a waste of a school day but it was good because none of my teachers assigned homework for Homecoming weekend. I look forward to stalking my friends' Homecoming pictures. I would have liked to go to the dance, but buying a dress is such a needless hassle and my parents would not accept that I would go with D. I guess they will find out eventually that I'm seeing him again, but I'm hoping to keep it from them until I move out, if it is still pertinent. There are a myriad of silly reasons for which they don't accept him. I am so over high school though, that Homecoming is not important to me. I would rather sit at home and prepare for my next phase of life, which is college! I forced D to take me to McDonald's and we had a good time after school by ourselves. It was one year to the day that I lost my virginity to him, so of course we celebrated. Who needs high school anymore?
-T.

honeymooning.

        The other day I accidentally-on-purpose told D that I love him. It's true, I do, but it is hard to say. It opens the door to so much more hurt. I thought about it for a long time though, and I decided it would end up hurting me more if I never got to tell him how I really feel. Also, I do get the feeling that D is the kind of guy who wants what he can't get. The fact that I wasn't telling him I loved him made him work harder for me. Yet, I would have to tell him it eventually. If he was just going to get bored with me because he didn't have to chase me much anymore in the end, then I'd rather it be sooner and not drag it out.
        We are likely still in the honeymoon phase right now. The moments we spend together are wonderful, but still they remind me of how things used to be. It's just like the first time around, except this time I know better and I remember the last time. In the back of my mind there is always that weight, and I wonder if it will ever fade. Will we get tired of each other again? It's frightening. My friend VK has been with her boyfriend for about a year, I want to say. They still love each other so much and are so perfect together. VK is a beautiful person with a beautiful mind, though. I wonder if I could ever have that. I wonder if I could ever deserve that.
         It's true that D is a flawed human being, but so am I. I don't and can't love selective parts of him. I know him better than I have ever known anyone. I am close to him like I have been close to no other. There is no reason for me to keep my feelings to myself, no matter how complex they are. If he can't handle them, I'd rather know sooner than later. I can only hope that he can remember that I make mistakes too and he won't back out at the first sign of trouble. For now, D makes me more happy than anything. I sure hope it lasts this time around. I won't know for a while I guess.
-T.

skin update

        So it's been nearly two months since my dermatologist appointment. I just wanted to say that it's been working and I am so so happy. Now maybe I'll get one zit a week and if so it's a tiny one and it's just a clogged pore that's clearing. Yesterday my sister's friend came over and I didn't really have time to do my makeup so I just greeted her without any foundation or concealer on and wow that was an amazing feeling. Granted, she was only 11 years old but I would never have been able to do that before. I don't feel like people are grossed out by my face any more, and I can feel pretty every day.
        I wonder if I stop taking the antibiotics and applying Tazorac if it will come back? I will probably have to stick with the Tazorac but the antibiotics I should be okay without and I don't want to build resistance to it anyway. When I make out with BD I don't keep having to position myself in a way that my makeup won't rub off revealing my face in a certain area. It's just super dumb to have to think about and I'm so glad that that problem has been resolved. I still have a lot of acne scars everywhere and occasionally peeling, but it is so much better. The hyperpigmentation should pretty much be gone in a few months, and I won't have to be such a cake face then which is really exciting. It's just an unbelievable feeling to not feel miserable whenever I look in the mirror. It's more of an internal change than anything really. Yay!
-T.

mental illnesses rant

        Talking with D reminds me that there is another type of totally unempathetic human being. Ah, now I remember why I couldn't stand him and sometimes still can't. Many times I forget that those people even exist. Their unilateral thought processes don't make any sense to me at all. Mental illness is as real a disease as any other. You wouldn't blame someone for having cancer, why would you blame someone for having a mental disorder? This is a very common misconception amongst people, and it really worries me.
        Many mental illnesses, from anorexia to depression to schizophrenia are based on compulsive thoughts or behaviors. Can people with compulsive thoughts and feelings just stop? By definition, if they could just stop, then their symptoms wouldn't be called compulsive. D insists that depression and such are not diseases, but just emotions. The dictionary definition of a "disease" is pretty much any abnormality that causes harm. Beyond that, indexes such as the DSM-IV define specific diseases. When one seeks treatment, the doctor does not simply talk to you for a bit and say, "well it seems like you have such and such disease." There is a checklist and a process for diagnosis. This is not a matter of opinion, there are set definitions.
       Disorders are not a matter of choice. Does it make sense that, given the choice, a person would say, "oh I want to be alcoholic and have OCD"? At the basis of these disorders, it becomes substance above all else. It is a relief of the compulsive thought through compulsive behaviors over all else. Why is it that people think that the brain is invincible and cannot succumb to any diseases, while the rest of our body can? The brain is a complex, fascinating, and phenomenal organ. With its complexity, there are any number of ways that the wirings and neurotransmitters and processes can malfunction. Why downplay its complexity by writing things off as choice or a simple mood, when there is so much more? When we question our world and ourselves, we can truly learn more.
        As for D, his empathetic failure is a complete turn off. It does not make him seem manly, only ignorant and close-minded. It is his greatest flaw, and it clashes with one of my greatest passions. I can only hope that he takes his college psychology class to heart. I really need to think about things.
-T.

this turned into a post about boobs

        Today, D told me "<3 you!" It made me kind of uneasy. This phrase is obviously a lame teenage cop out for kids who don't want deal with the gravity of saying the word "love" but they still want to seem super cutesy and couple-y. I didn't say it back, was I supposed to? I don't know.
        Oftentimes, I wonder what he sees in me. I feel like I am totally replaceable, though most girls are. It's a bit of a hassle to explain, but this article sums it up perfectly. (I've had a link to it on my sidebar for a while.) It's great that I'm good looking and all, and he likes me for that, but then I walk around school or go on facebook and I see so many girls who are just as pretty if not prettier. I don't even have boobs to keep his interest. Why should he choose me when there are so many options? I'm awkward, creepy, crazy, and overly thoughtful. He could easily lose his interest in me when he sees some other girl at a college pool party or something like that. I imagine that this girl watches football, naturally gorgeous and doesn't wear makeup, has some nice C-cups, athletic, can drive herself around, plays video games, is laid-back, and lets him fuck her poop chute. Sometimes I think he is only settling for me and I am merely a placeholder to keep him company until that girl shows up. Of course, he doesn't realize this. He is naive and happy with me as always, but I have my doubts.
        A lot of the time we do group skype calls with our friends and we have a running joke about my boobs being small. Of course, D always keeps taking the joke pretty far and never really says anything like "just kidding." Even one of the other guys who was joking around followed it up with that small boobs are perfect and cute and it's okay. I just wish that D would do the same, he just doesn't know that it does sort of hurt my feelings a little when he keeps saying it. He only says he likes my boobs when he wants to see/touch them. I'm sure he doesn't mean it, but if I bring it up to him he will just tell me to be more confident and then say stuff like, "so what, I have moobs and I just deal with them." He still tells me I'm pretty in general a lot, but it's just annoying and a little bit appalling that he is that insensitive when he makes fun of me for my boobs. Does he honestly not get annoyed when I make fun of his moobs? Sometimes I do stuff like talk about other guys when he talks about other girls just to piss him off. I do the same thing when he makes fun of me and so I make fun of his moobs and pube mole and stuff. Also I say stuff like, "yah totally getting a boob job I need one," even though I would probably never get one because I'm honestly okay with myself by my own standards, but I just want him to tell me that I don't need one and I look fine as is, but probably he secretly wants me to get one because he likes boobs and he's always dated girls with big boobs. All this is just to give him a taste of his own medicine and subtly tell him to STOP, but of course boys don't get the subtle stuff. Silly boys.
-T.

getting physical??

        I'm taking AP Physics C this year and let's just say I'm having a rough time with it. Most days for the homework I just stare at the problem for at least half an hour and then I give in and ask people for help. My two main physicists are D and my dad. I feel like my physics-related neuron synapse is faulty or something. I thought I would like it and be good at it because I loved Calculus and Chemistry. Everyone else seems to get everything faster than I can, and the guy who sits next to me finishes his homework in two minutes.
        I got the multiple choice portion of my first test back today. It was a 26/35, with the class average being a 27. I didn't even reach my goal of a high C. I think I did better on the free response, but still. Maybe this is cocky of me to say, but I honestly think that this is the first time that I have had legitimate difficulty with a subject. Formerly, for my toughest classes, if I just do the homework and read the book I'm good to go. I'm definitely not used to being below average and I'm not used to not understanding things after hard work.
           Still though, there is some good that comes out of this frustration. I've found an academic limit, but that just means I need to work at it a little bit more than other people and then that limit will be pushed until it doesn't exist anymore. If I apply myself, I will be fine if I get a B. Since homework and test points are not weighted I can do poorly on tests but still get a decent grade in the class. We'll see how this goes, maybe it will just take some time to get the hang of it. Also, good thing when I took physics honors over the summer it was deceptively easy and we skipped all of the remotely difficult topics... Anyway, I'm also glad because I finally know what it feels like to really not understand something. It's one more item to add to my empathy bank! I always knew that people had trouble with things, heck I'm a TA for a C-level math class. It's something entirely different to be there though, to experience that despair and frustration. I'm actually really lucky that I have the motivation to keep going and not totally giving up.
-T.

here we go again!

       I had the most wonderful day yesterday. I went to D's dad's house where there was some sort of family barbecue so I met all of those people and it was barely even awkward. Oh yeah forgot to mention it prior to this but I'M SEEING D AGAIN. I was trying to keep it on the DL but it's pretty much out now so whatever. I hung out with him and his sister and his little cousins and saw his almost one-year-old half brother aww it was so precious. Afterwords before he dropped me off we had sex and it was nice and romantic and so sweet as well as sexy.
        I think we are both trying hard to not make the same mistakes as last time, and we really do want to be happy together. We've done a lot better talking about and working out our problems. There is honestly no one I feel more comfortable around. Whom else could I allow to inspect my vagina and cuddle naked with? He keeps mentioning things like kids and spending our live together which I know he is only saying in passing but I kind of wish he wouldn't. I'm still not entirely sure of everything just because there is no way I can just forget about the past. It's going to take a while for me to be able to trust him. As wonderful and sweet as yesterday with him was, there was a little something missing. There was nothing to fill those pregnant pauses where "I love you" used to go.
        The tricky part is that I do love him, and I realize that I will never stop loving him no matter what happens. My love for him is a bit different though. A long time ago, I loved him carelessly and blissfully. Now my love is weighed down with remembrances and guilt and anticipation for heartbreak. It's the lack of surety and security and possibly the lack of reciprocation that keep both of us from saying it.
        I want to be his perfect girl, and I want to be happy with him. I am happy with him right now, and I want it to last.
-T.
P.S. Last Tuesday, August 30, was our anniversary! One whole year :]

ok i'm embarrassing

Oh yeah so yesterday I looked at the GPA percentile ranges for the students in my year again for some reason. To my surprise, I realized that before I had been looking at the numbers wrong this whole time and I actually was in the top 5%!!!! For some reason I thought I was .02 away, but really I was .1 above! I was so excited, I was going to be on the special wall for everyone to see YES! I checked like ten more times to be sure and yes it was true.


But wait, I looked again and it turned out I had actually been looking at it wrong and I'm not actually in the top 5% haha WOW. I was really embarrassed considering I had just told someone and tumbled about it wow ok. Still though, I am only .003 away from being there. Yes, only three-thousandths away. I feel really dumb, if I hadn't gotten that one B sophomore year, or if I hadn't been a bum my freshman year maybe for just ONE CLASS I would have been there. Still though, I might have a shot at it MAYBE. There is still one semester left that determines the wall people, and if I get straight A's then I will have a 5.0 this semester and maybe take someone's spot on that wall. Yes, that is my new goal and I think I will just die if I don't get straight A's. If I get straight A's and still don't end up on the wall I think I will be okay with it because I did everything I could. 


Still though, yesterday for those few minutes I was going to be on that wall and I was just so relieved and happy and appreciative of my life. Wow how dumb am I?? 


-T.

fractals

This growth is a cancer it is a tumor it is wild
It bubbles and bursts so I slice it
I dig and carve this growth dig it out of my skin
The red on the paper dots and spirals
Like fractals and just like my tumor
Sinking and soggy this paper and inside me
I think it's gone and done I've cut it out
But after a little I still feel that familiar ache
That itch and that sore spot signify the root grasping deep and tight
And it comes back
The little scars split and heal and bleed every time
Deep and tight it always comes back. 

-T.

Mommy Issues.

         My mother really drives me up a wall. Is it any wonder that I am this screwed up? While I was growing up, I never thought anything of it really. That's not strange because when you're a kid your parents are your world pretty much. I didn't have my own mind, and I didn't know that a mother could be any other way. Even now I find myself questioning my own sanity. Could I really be the product of such a CRAZY PERSON? She is the epitome of the sucker of snake oils, the availability heuristic, and confirmation bias. I don't even feel that giving examples would justify her illogicality because they have been my whole life. How can I have stood for this after I developed my own mind since I was like what, twelve years old?
        The fact that I have dealt with this so long coupled with the fact that I am going to move out in a year makes everything so much more irritating. It's all I can do to keep from talking back and trying to correct her. I know she won't change, but it's simply not in my nature to ever give up on people. One word of retaliation from me will conjure up an extra two hours of bitching from her. I know this, and yet I still can't stop. It's hard to conceive that a person so irrational exists. 
         How could I be a product of such insanity? I would never blame my dad for cheating on her, I feel so bad for her. When my sister and I eventually move out, he still has to spend the rest of his life with her. I'm not sure why he married her. I really can't see any reason other than that she used to be sort of good looking. Well actually there is one reason maybe. She wouldn't put out unless they got married so maybe that's why. 
Sorry this has been a terrible and disorganized post but I am just so frustrated with having to live with her. 
-T.

he wants me back (again)

misleading, oops

So I was notified that third base is oral. We did not do oral. I thought third base was vagina touching, which is what happened. That's all. Ok, now that we've cleared that up . . .
Irrelevant rambling but: I really appreciate that TO has not told me that he likes me or that I'm pretty or even that I'm hot or anything. Strangely, this is very refreshing. It allows me to keep my head clear, which is often a problem for me. Boys who tell me I'm hot or pretty are sweet, but I have to question their motives all the time. He's been a friend for a long time, and he still is. Our conversations are terribly dry and stupid, and that's perfect. With TO, I have few expectations. 
-T. 

Summer fling, don't mean a thing.

More Wiener!!!

        TO is 6'1", going to U of I for Engineering, and athletic. He is playful and does not despise grammar, and really not bad looking... for an Asian. I just really cannot make myself be attracted to Asians, something is wrong with me. I'm seriously a race traitor. 
        Also, he really needs to settle down with the incessant shoving his tongue down my throat NONSTOP, like doesn't he have any other tricks? Sloppy. He's a nice guy, though I'm not quite completely comfortable yet. Casual physicality is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Then again, if it was with someone white and super-hot, would it be this confusing? Who knows.
        For some reason I thought his Asian status implied shyness and slight prudeness. I was quite a bit surprised when I found his hand sliding up my thigh within five minutes of mack-time. All boys are seriously the same. Just kidding, I can't make that generalization, but I mean come on.... D I think was a lot smoother than he was, and a better macker, and made me feel much more at ease. He was so silly it was great. That might just be because we were in "love" and had a good relationship going on, though. Oh crap I'm comparing I suck.
        This encounter really shows how much a friendship can change. We used to be dumb middle schoolers sneaking around the school and doing stupid stuff. A few years pass and suddenly we are both de-virginized, more attractive, more sure of ourselves, and horny as fuck. Sexual tensions over the years exploded today. Cool.
-T.

Wieners.

        An old friend of mine came over today. Before I go into that though, I'll give some background information. TO and I met when I was in 8th grade and he a freshman at Chinese school. He then went to IMSA (Illinois Math and Science Academy) starting his sophomore year so we never actually went to the same school. I liked him my freshman year, and he's had a string of Asian girlfriends. 
        Last summer we hung out once, and he told me that if he hadn't switched schools he would probably have asked me out. That was weird of him to say, considering he had a girlfriend at the time. In the spring we hung out again during badminton season. Then yesterday he came over and I made him "lunch" (ramen and box rice haha.) Somehow we ended up making out, only for about ten seconds though. He started it! Today he took me out to lunch, and then we were back at my house. We made out, among other things. After like three hours, we got to third base, but I didn't reciprocate. 
        I was feeling weird about it the whole time, and he could tell. It wasn't that I was comparing him to D or anything. It was more like I couldn't help being reminded of him. I feel a little bit guilty about it all happening so quick, even after the stuff with D happened. It's not like we are boyfriend and girlfriend or anything. Yet, I also wonder what's wrong with letting things like this happen. I didn't ask for it, it took some convincing, and I didn't reciprocate. I think what I really need to do is let the schema of skankiness go. I'm worried about what people would think, I'm worried that I will hate myself later. Why should I care though? Should it really matter that we are probably not going to officially go together, seeing as he is going to college and such? 
        I'm starting to see that a casual hookup is little different from masturbation, it's just a release of physical tensions. Not that this was a casual hookup, but I suppose it was something close. What I really really want to do is free my sexuality from D. This is my sexuality, and it should not forever be infused with ideas of D. I don't expect TO to bring me my next hurricane of a relationship, but what I do hope for is to get a little piece of myself back. 
-T.

The Derm.

        I finally went to the dermatologist. This is after probably over a year of begging my parents, so that I didn't want to blog about it until after it happened. I read online that for many it's a very emotional experience, so I made sure to wear waterproof mascara. I was a little frightened, because for some it was so bad that they never went back after the first appointment. That sounds really dumb to me, because no matter how humiliating it is, serious acne can't be any better. They're professionals, and there to help you anyway.
         I went to the appointment without any foundation. This was probably the first time I have gone out in public without foundation since 8th grade, so like three or four years. I filled out paperwork for a bit, and waited for my name to be called. I expected the dermatologist to be a middle-aged woman for some reason, but it was some guy who seemed like he must be older than he looked. He looked like a plastic surgeon from the zip code 90210, but nope, just a dermatologist. 
        He asked me what I was there for. I was a bit taken aback, because first of all, it was written all over my face, literally. Secondly, I wrote it on the damn paperwork. Of course it must have been a formality, but it was unnerving. He began to explain to me about sebum clogging pores blah blah all of which I already knew. He pointed out the different types of acne on my face. That was the most uncomfortable part, him pointing to my face with a stick while I looked in the mirror. He finally put to rest my parents' assertions that I need to stop eating spicy food in order to get better. He put to rest my worries about dairy. Food has not been proven to have any effect on acne, and it is likely that it has no effect.
        I didn't need him for any medical information, I was well-versed with the help of google acne research. The only thing I needed him for was the medication. I thought he was supposed to ask me more questions, according to my research. It seemed like he just sort of looked at my face and within five to ten minutes he gave me prescriptions and was out the door. 
        One of them is Monodox, an antibiotic that is going to combat any infections and kill bacteria. It's a pill that I take twice a day. I was really worried about the cost of the prescriptions, but it is $10 for a month's supply. The other is Tazorac, a topical retinoid. I put it on once a day, at night. I doubted that it would dry out my skin, since nothing does, and it didn't seem to dry anything out for the first few days. I put on an extra dose, and that may have been a bad idea because now my skin feels tight and it's peeling but at least that means it's working, and dryness is a feeling I haven't had in a long time. It all is supposed to show results in four weeks. I wish it were faster, but I can already see improvement in my skin. I'm not breaking out like crazy every day now. So far I've gotten a small infection every other day, which is very much an improvement to my usual three or more large ones a day. I hope the side effects go away soon, as my antibiotics make me feel nauseous also. At least that means I eat less though.
        The dermatologist is a glimmer of hope in my rut of despair about my skin.
-T.

...And I'm Back.

        I thought I'd be glad to come home and finally relax, and I am. China was work work work, but at least everything was scheduled out and I just had to do it. Doing it wasn't hard or anything, but that structure was nice. It forced me to act.
        The moment I get home I feel this fog enveloping my chest. Now I can finally hang out with all those people I promised I'd hang out with. Now I don't have anymore excuses. I think about making plans and writing college essays and actually doing things, and I panic. Also, the first thing I did after I had access to Facebook again was stalk BD's profile. It's not painful to think of him or stalk him anymore. Okay, maybe just a tiny bit. But that's only because I want to be a part of his life again. It used to be that every other picture of him was with me. Once again, I'm watching everyone make plans, take photos, and live their lives without me. It's how I've always lived, but after being one of the most active, most responsible, and - perhaps this is just me being ultra-cocky - most well-liked members of the volunteer group, I feel left out.
        I think I deserve to be able to have fun. Actually, I know I deserve it. I want to experience it all, but I'm also afraid. My inaction is crippling. I fear that China was only a temporary distraction from a fixed problem. I hope not. Perhaps it's just that it's 5AM. Things will look better later. They always look better later. 
-T.

I'm Back.

        As you may or may not have guessed, blogger was not accessible in China, unfortunately. My flight left Shanghai at 4:10PM and arrived at 4:35PM. That time difference is kind of mind boggling and cool.
        Teaching in Chengdu was a lot of work, but it really paid off. I knew it would be an amazing experience, but I just didn't know how much. I really bonded with so many random people. I just seriously love people. Shopping in China was nice too.
         I've decided that from now on I really want to try as many things as possible. That's a tall order for Miss Super Introvert Who Doesn't Hang Out With People. There's such a big difference between reading about something and actually experiencing it.
-T.

Chicago Essay Questions

2011 essay questions:

Essay Option 1.

“What does Play-Doh™ have to do with Plato?” – The 2011 University of Chicago Scavenger Hunt List
Every May, the University of Chicago hosts the world’s largest scavenger hunt. As part of this year’s hunt, students raced to find the shortest path between two seemingly unrelated things by traveling through Wikipedia articles.
Wikipedia is so passé. Without the help of everyone’s favorite collaborative internet encyclopedia, show us your own unique path from Play-Doh™ to Plato.
Inspired by Ayla Amon, AB’10, Daniel Citron, AB’09, and Benjamin Umans, AB’10

Essay Option 2.

Observation, Hypothesis, Experiment, Analysis, Conclusion; since the 17th century, the scientific method has been the generally accepted way to investigate, explore, and acquire new knowledge. The actual process of intellectual discovery, however, is rarely so simple or objective. The human mind often leaps from observation to conclusion with ease, rushes headlong into hypothesis-less experiments, or dwells on the analysis, refusing to conclude.
Tell us about your non-scientific method. (Diagrams, graphs, and/or visual aids allowed within your essay.)
Inspired by Megen Cowett, AB’11

Essay Option 3.

Spanish poet Antonio Machado wrote, “Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.” Give us your guess.
Inspired by Jill Hampshire, AB’08

Essay Option 4.

While working at the Raytheon Company, Percy Spencer noticed that standing in front of a magnetron (used to generate microwave radio signals) caused a chocolate bar in his pocket to melt. He then placed a bowl of corn in front of the device, and soon it was popping all over the room. A couple years later, Raytheon was selling the first commercial microwave oven.
Write about a time you found something you weren’t looking for.
Inspired by Ashwin Acharya, an entering student from Hunter College High School, NY

Essay Option 5.

In the spirit of adventurous inquiry, pose a question of your own. If your prompt is original and thoughtful, then you should have little trouble writing a great essay. Draw on your best qualities as a writer, thinker, visionary, social critic, sage, citizen of the world, or future citizen of the University of Chicago; take a little risk, and have fun.

Essay Option 6.

Don’t write about reverse psychology.

 They came out today. I don't think I can handle this. I think I know which one I am going to write about already, but I need to make sure it's not an obvious answer that a lot of people would write about. I'm dying.

-T.

China Tomorrow

        Starting tomorrow, I won't have access to Twitter, Facebook, or Blogspot. I think I still might have access to Blogger though, so maybe I can still update periodically. If not, then I guess you won't be hearing from me until after July 26.
        I'm scared to room with the three other random girls. I am going to get judged so hard for being so high maintenance, and for my skin. It's going to be really bad but I think after I take a shower or whatever I'm going to put a little makeup back on and wear it to sleep so as to not to make anyone want to jump out the window. It'll be the non-harmful-to-your-skin kind of makeup, but still it's just like blah don't want to have to do that for three weeks. Also I've packed so much makeup and eyeshadow and makeup brushes... I'm also probably the only non virgin going in our group of thirty or so. It's not that fact that bothers me, but the fact that I expect most there to be pretty close-minded. I'll just have to suck it up, I'm pretty good at pretending to be a normal, functioning, sociable human being anway. Okay, hopefully I will still be able to post once I'm in China, bye and stuff.
-T.

How to Pack For China

• Bring all of your booty-shorts. If you have fewer than five pairs of booty-shorts, go buy some or make your own.
• Those skanky little tank tops you have around but never seem to get worn? Bring them.
• Don’t forget your gym shoes and sports bra and other fitness-y gear.
• Make sure you have tons of money, not because things are going to be expensive, rather quite the opposite. As the saying goes, it’s best to “make your money in America and spend it in China.”
• You want to look super fashion-y as there are always tons of people everywhere, so bring your trendiest outfits.
• Pack all of your best face powder. As the humidity rises, your face is going to melt. Reapply often so that you can maintain a nice cake face. God forbid anyone see any hint of your real skin.
• Waterproof mascara. Need I say more?
• You’re not going to have access to a gym and it’s not like you’re going to go for a run out in the crowded streets laced with old men in wifebeaters fanning themselves. You’re going to pig out on deliciously fattening Chinese food anyway. Accept the fact that the 10 pounds you spent the beginning of the summer losing is coming right back. Unpack fitness gear.
• Recall that trends hit China from Europe a whole season or two before they hit America. Reject all of your trendy clothes that don’t seem very trendy anymore.
• Bring all of your insect repellent.
• Have an ugly complicated purse with buckles and flaps and thick straps so as to ward off any would-be pick pocketers. Backpacks are not allowed.
• Pack some examples of hairstyles and colors that you like. You're going to get a new hairdo in China, right?
• Once you’ve finished, make sure that your large suitcase is left at least half-empty. This space will be needed for the loads of crap you’re going to buy, such as fake iPods, shoes that are going to break the fourth time you wear them, ugly jewelery, pajamas that say random things like “many sleep can little fried flower talk,” and fake bread.

-T.

China on Friday

        I'm going to China on Friday. It feels like there's so much on my mind but really it's all so simple. I'm unexpectedly nervous about teaching in China. I finished my lessons and stuff, but in my powerpoint I've included some Chinese. What if I can't read it while I'm presenting? It's mostly in English, but I don't really know what the Chinese stuff says, I just google translated and got my dad to help me. I'm in the process of memorizing it, but what if I forget? I also need to find a way to make this presentation interactive. Another volunteer teacher is having the students read stuff, but that just seems dopey and I don't feel like anyone will really care. Why do they care about American political landmarks anyway? That's what my presentation is about, what a dumb topic, right? Also since I used pictures as my background I think some of the text is hard to read and I've tried changing the font multiple ways but it's still just kind of difficult I don't really know what to do. Really the thing that I am the most nervous about is the Chinese. What if someone doesn't quite understand something in English, asks me a question, but I can't explain it properly in Chinese? They are going to judge me so hard for my shitty Chinese.
        One thing I do have going for me are my presentation skills. I've watched some of the other volunteers present and it's quite obvious that they are bored by their own presentations and the only reason they are doing this is that their parents are forcing them to. At one of the first meetings we had everyone introduce themselves and give a reason for participating in the program. Some actually had the nerve to outright say that they didn't really want to go and their parents were forcing them to. One girl in particular recieved some harsh criticism on her presentation skills, but rightfully so. When told that she looked bored by her own presentation she merely said, "yes, I am bored. I hate this." What can someone say to that? Does she think that being this way is conducive to anything for anyone? There was not even a hint of, "ok, I suck but I'll work on it!" Then again, these kinds of people are likely the ones who need this program the most. I trust that eventually she will grow up, and she merely said those things in an attempt to be defensive. Seeing as I was voted as one of the leaders of the group, I feel as if I have a responsibility to whip these kids into shape. Still, back to that notion that I can't change someone's thinking, she has to discover it within herself. Some subtle pushing can't hurt though.
-T.

How To Be Used

"I’m going to level with you. It feels pretty great at first. Why? Because you wouldn’t set yourself up to be used if you didn’t get something out of it in the first place. Maybe you’re needy. Maybe you’re insecure. Maybe you have some idyllic best-case scenario in mind regarding the user and you’re simply willing to take whatever you can get. Regardless, it starts off feeling good; you’ve got their attention—perhaps even their momentary affection—and everything is right with the world.

At some point that moment, day, month (depending on the situation) you begin to get the inclination that you represent something to this person other than what you’d hope to embody in a healthy, reciprocal, respectful relationship. But you’re still getting something out of it (validation!) so you take it, and you do your best to successfully ignore the part of your brain that’s like, “Ummm… duuuuuude…..”

Something breaks the proverbial camel’s back. Maybe you realize they’ve stopped buying you dinner and just usher you straight to their bedroom, up the back steps so their roommate doesn’t make small talk. Maybe they go off the grid for evenings at a time and then tell you they simply “crashed early.” Maybe they ask you for something so inappropriate you’re embarrassed to write about it publicly (ahem). Haaaaa but who am I kidding! If you were mentally attuned to these facts you never would’ve gotten here in the first place, would you? No, instead you’ll be telling these things to your best friends, saying things like, “But seriously, guys, I still think it’s worth salvaging,” while they kick each other under the table and visibly eye roll and go home to start a Gmail thread with the subject line, “WTF ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!”

You start to feel ill most of the hours you are awake. You live and die by communication from the person who is using you, yet you lose sight of what ‘positive interaction’ really looks, sounds, and feels like and instead settle for simply any ‘them-generated’ communication whatsoever. At some point you beg to be used. Please, come over! I will give you whiskey and Ativan and Pizza Hut! Have sex with me and leave in the middle of the night! It’s fine, my sexual needs don’t exist at all! Please, take a shit on my emotions! I will answer your whiny texts at any hour of the night! I love hearing you complain about your ex-girlfriend! It sustains me!

Concretely discern that you’re better off ignoring this person forever. Delete them from your phone (sure, you can try saving them as, “DON’T!” or “YOU’LL REGRET IT!” but your desperate drunken brain will find a way to justify it). Decide to ice them out forever. Stop making your bed because you expect them to come over (though they always promised to and never actually did, did they). Cut them off financially (foreshadowing: miraculously, they still find a way to make ends meet).

Cry. Cry a little or a lot depending on your personality. Cry in front of your friends but realize that they are so tired of your situation by now that they just wish you’d stop and let them finish watching The Bachelorette. Cry by yourself when you’re watching any television show or movie featuring happy couples, or listening to any song with a chorus that includes the word “we” regardless of context.

Take them back. Obviously. Let me reiterate that you wouldn’t get used if you had a handle on how fucked up your situation was. It’s not your fault; you don’t know better. And you won’t know better the next time you’re used either, or probably the time after that. Because you’re not an idiot. You’re not standing on a street corner with your savings account in a cardboard box wearing a t-shirt that says, “Will Fuck For a Modicum of Attention!” No, you just haven’t figured out how ‘it works’ yet.

But rest assured, someday you’ll realize you’re being used, and though it will still happen to you (goddamn your enabling personality, right?) at some point you might—might—learn to stand up for yourself.
–Sarah Heuer wants to punch you in the face."

[http://thetangential.tumblr.com/]

I don't really have much to add to this, except that you still loved being used, yes every bit of it. You don't blame that user, that precious user. He only fed you what you wanted after all. He even got what he wanted in the process, and who can blame someone for using what he has?
-T.

Hey, remember when...

• you left popped veins on my butt
• you left teeth marks on my boob
• you tried to fuck my nonexistent tits hahahaha
• you called my labia "foreskin"
• I told you I was sending you a hot pic of myself but really it was a picture of your own dick hahahaha
• you showed ZJ and ZV pictures of my butt -.-
• you told me I looked as hot as Adriana Lima when my hair was curled
• we had sex in your car in the middle of a tornado warning and thunderstorm, that was really nice
• after we had sex in the thunderstorm you kept getting freaking out because you just saw this scary vampire movie and I totally looked like one of the vampires
• I went along with it and pretended like I was going to suck all your blood out
• I told you I didn't believe that we live on in any way after we die you started crying and kept saying that "there has to be something"
• my feet were in the air and you stopped doing what you were doing just to kiss them
• you had blood in your poop for a few weeks hahahaha
• we were macking on my couch and my dad came home and you were totally not supposed to be here and you looked like you just pissed yourself and started trying to run away even though you were pretty much caught
• we were going to name our child Isaac after Isaac Newton, the inventor of calculus
• we were going to call him Ike for short, like that one kid's little brother on South Park
• we used a glow-in-the-dark condom, that was cool
• it wasn't cool when it broke
• you ate me out during our nature walk on a beautiful sunny day that was amazing
• we had so much sex that your balls got achy and so we had to do it sideways
• you wanted to be a neurosurgeon but you couldn't stand the sight of blood or the thought of work
• you had me convinced for a few weeks that you were an illegal alien from Poland and you and your family washed dishes on cruise ships for three months before getting to come here
• we had the best time ever telling each other sweet nothings
• we had the best time ever just looking at each other
• we had the best time ever.

-T.



just a little strange

        I don't want to waste my time on any more stupid boys and just skip to the right one. Yet, this will not only be inevitable, but also it is imperative that I waste this time. It would only prepare me to properly  handle the right relationship and not just trash it like I do every time. Oops, this small rant was totally unrelated to what I had intended to blog about, especially since I have probably already blogged this exact same thing. Anyway....
         Yesterday I was at another Asian dinner party. Actually I shouldn't say "another" seeing as I haven't been to one in several months. They are mostly pretty boring since ZJ doesn't show up anymore. My other good guy friend was there, and, I'm not too sure but I think he is somewhat attracted to me. Gosh that was such a pain writing that last sentence there. I'm likely just very conceited and I fantasize about geeky boys being in love with me all the time. Regardless, he is really really good at massages like you have no idea, it's just amazing. He was giving me one of his amazing massages and I could just tell that he was aching to cop a feel or something. We are pretty close, and at one point he slapped my bum lightly. HAHA that looks so weird, everything I just wrote but really it's not that big of a deal, we are just childhood friends. It's all just a little strange, but nothing I'm really worried about.
-T.

P.S. I don't know how this is showing up for anyone else, but it looks like my font is going inconsistent and it's really bothering me and I'm trying to fix it but it doesn't work. It's probably because I'm on a different computer, and I will be for a while. My tumblr format looks screwed up too on this computer. Whatever.