a humbling conversation.

        I just called up D. I told him I missed him. I asked if he would ever consider trying again, or if I was out of his life for good. He said not for a while. How long was a while? Weeks? Years? Decades? Years. To me, years just means no. We won't know where we'll be in so many years. We'd lose touch for sure. To him, that means a fresh start. I heard from someplace that if guys meet the right girl too early on, it sucks because they won't want her right then. They need to be wild and stupid for a few years.They'd want to have met her in the future, when they are ready to settle down. Is that what this is? Doubt it, but I hate it. 

        Also, I let him know that I wouldn't mind still going to prom with him anyway, that I still thought we could have a good time. Fuck, that was embarrassing to utter. Still at least now I know that he knows that I'm okay with it. It would be one of many options for him, I guess. Whatever, I'm glad I just had the chance to get it all out and give him that idea.

        I often wonder if he ever misses me. Does he ever look back and think about all the wonderful times we had together? Remember when we loved so purely and freely? Did he think it was dumb? Does he regret it? Does he just think I am a pain in the ass now? Does he ever yearn to just hold me, like I do sometimes? These are questions I will never ask, and I will never find out the answers to. 

        Some days I think ha, I don't need til March 22, I am so over it right now! Then other times, dark lonesome nights when I have too much time to think, I feel so so empty. Will I ever be over it? How could I? How could I not? It seems so easy in theory. Just forget about the douche-bag. Forget about the douche-bag who was (maybe still is) my whole life, my basis for happiness and anger and despair. 

        I have everything I could ever want, except for the most important, "love".

-T.

(Please ignore the video, though it is amusing. I couldn't find any others of this song.)