It's spring break, and I finally get to sleep and relax. Still, I can't help but feel more alone and exhausted than ever. Since my mind is no longer preoccupied with schoolwork, the monotonous, ubiquitous, pervasive thoughts of mine come back. I've taken to Omegle, and it's great but it gets boring. I like to use video despite the fact that half of the people on video omegle are penises. I like it because it lets me pretend that I have friends. I like it when random boys tell me I'm pretty, even if all they want are tits sometimes.
I feel so annoying, because I want friends, yet when I have them I push them away. I feel stupid that for all of spring break I'm not going to see anyone or hang out with anyone. Yet, I can't make the effort or find it worth it to actually make plans with anyone.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just disappeared off the face of the earth. Sure, people would notice for a while, and they might feel sad but eventually they'd just move on. It's just like the way things are now. They are moving on without me, and I'm stuck in limbo. Honestly if I didn't think everyone around me would blame themselves, if I didn't feel like I would have wasted so much of my parents' time and money, if I didn't feel like everything I worked for would have been for naught, I would kill myself. I've tried in the past, and I changed my mind and threw up the pills. Don't concern yourself, because I'm not going to do it again. It's stupid and all it does is hurts people. But I would, if I could.
-T.
i wouldn't just move on if you died. you are my only friend and my only connection to sanity.
ReplyDeletei will probably stop asking you to hang out with me because i get this feeling you don't want to and i feel weird like i'm forcing you or something. i know i shouldn't take it personally and it's just your ideology. in a way it works out well for me because i can continue my antisocial eating disordered behaviors.