Yesterday night:
T: Hey dad, can you sign this prom permission application?
Dad: Um.. what you're going with D?? WHAT?? *proceeds to throw mantrum*
His mantrums are terrifying and trapping. He prides himself on being the smartest and most rational person in the world, and occasionally he is. But really he isn't. He doesn't let me explain. It's true that I have changed the prom plans on him a few times. Like, twice. Still, it's not like I did this maliciously or had some grand scheme to try and piss him off, though everything I do seems to anyway. He still tells me that he "knows what game I'm playing." WHAT GAME?? You must be able to decipher my motives even better than I can. I, being both a child and a female, am capable of only malicious deceit and irrationality. He wouldn't even hear anything I wanted to say. "If you say one more word, you are not going at all!!" His mantrums are a purging of everything negative he has ever thought about you, and then a sudden shutdown of communication. My mother tries to help. She wants me to have fun. Yet, both of them tell me every day what a desperate slut I am. I told them that the reason I'm not going with GJ anymore is that he found someone else he wanted to go with. It then became about how aggressive and needy I am for male attention, for guys that never even wanted me in the first place. The moment any boy shows any interest, I lunge at it. Perhaps this is true. Yet, how could I have told them the truth, that I chose D again? I can't tell them anything, but I want to. They can't even handle my mollified version of the truth.
Maybe I was playing a game. After I told t hem that GJ "found someone else to go with," I said I still wanted to go, except I'd probably go single. I hinted that D wanted to ask me. As expected my father was adamant against it. I could have just gone "single" and then met up with D there. Everything would have been so much easier. But I respected my dad too much, even though he doesn't deserve it. I didn't want it to be some huge surprise if D and I got there, exchanged flowers, and took pictures with each other. 1)It would have only made my dad more upset, and I really do want to try and be open with him as much as possible, 2) I'm afraid my dad would have thrown another mantrum at NS's house if he went there to take pre-prom pictures. His public mantrums are mortifying. He wouldn't think twice about it. I wonder if he has ever felt embarrassed by his previous public mantrums. Doubt it. He thinks too highly of himself.
A big factor in this is the way I was brought up. I was brought up in the mindset that my only role was obedience. I rarely make my own decisions. I have many thoughts of retaliation and wanting to make my own choices, but I'm used to these futile thoughts. They are just futile. How you were parented ends up being how you parent yourself on your own, as I have mentioned in the past. I am familiar with relationships in which I can't make my own decisions, or if the way to a decision is clearly paved out. That's why I chose the boy who coerced me over the one who truly meant it when he said it was up to me. I readily relinquish my freedom to have peace. After all, it was how I kept my childhood as peaceful as possible, by giving up all control.
My father tells me to make my own decisions, and that I need to stop allowing myself to be so easy and swayed by others. This is entirely impossible at the moment because 1) I subconsciously enjoy relinquishing my power, 2) even if it were entirely my choice to go with D, it doesn't matter because my dad doesn't want me to make that choice. My dad only thinks he wants me to be independent and make my own choices. In actuality, he wants me to follow his choice.
I know the choice I have made, if you can call it that, is stupid. I don't get to go with the group of friends I wanted to. There will be lots of doubt and ambiguity. I have to spend prom in EG's vicinity. I'm putting my heart on the line again, and I am very sure it will be hurt once again. My dad only wants to protect me. I am aware of this. He can't protect me from this because I know full well what I am getting myself into. It doesn't matter how much he warns me or shields me. I know what's going to happen, and I can't keep myself from going there still. While I know I've made a stupid decision, my dad guilting me about it only makes me feel worse. If I'm going to make a stupid decision, I would rather at least not feel like a shitty person about it because of my parents.Whether or not he wants to believe it, D and I are going to prom together. It's going to be alright. I don't ask for your agreement, only your acceptance. Please, let me be okay with myself for once.
-T.
UPDATE: I just talked with the daddy-kins. He was super rational and both of us had cooled off. Yesterday was useless angst, and I know things like this will happen again. Still, we had a good talk.
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