ready.

        I just finished watching Freaky Friday, which, no matter what anyone says, is a wonderful movie. It's a classic and all the acting is great and the plot is perfect and it shows a lot about understanding and love and family and it's funny and has great characters and honestly I am a fan of the musical performances as well as the references. This is Lindsay Lohan in her prime. I used to be a huge Lindsay Lohan fan, you know? LLRocks for lyfe. Well, anyway . . . 
       The ending of that movie is so perfect, but it made me feel kind of heart sick. I really want to feel the excitement of dating someone wonderful and perfect, and then falling into a comfortably stable love. As I say this, I can't help but feel scared as well. How many times will my heart have to palpitate with insatiable excitement only to be broken? What if a real stable marriageable type of love never occurs for me? It happens to people, some people just die alone without ever having such a love. I want to date someone wonderful, but I am so sure that I still have a lot of growing to do. I also feel like it would be futile to start a relationship senior year, that's just asking for heartbreak. I don't want to get my hopes up for anyone. 
        Another thing that makes it particularly sucky is that nothing will ever be like the first love. That naive trust and feeling of total security will never be there again. There's nothing that can measure up to that. The same goes for the first sex. No real worries, just utter trust and bliss and immersion. If it's awkward or fumbly or strange, it doesn't matter because the excitement and the everything overtakes it. First love is novel and amazing and strange.
        If only we could just know when the right relationship had come along. We wouldn't let ourselves go too deep with the other ones. Then, why would we even bother wasting our time on the others then? They are just as important, and all of that experience helps to get us ready for the right relationship. I'm going to avoid saying the right person, because nobody is ever exactly right for another. You work the relationship out and become perfect for each other. By making all of those earlier mistakes, we get closer to becoming someone else's soul mate.
        I want to say that while I am afraid, I am ready for someone new to come in my life. I want to share with someone all that I am. I want to learn more, if that's all that I can get out of the relationship. I want to experience more, even while I risk my heart. While those seemingly needless heartbreaks suck, they are just as important as the love that will never end in heartbreak. 
Such is the beauty of the mind-blowing game called love.
-T.