cawlej.

        Yesterday I submitted three college applications: U of I, Notre Dame, and UChicago. Oh yeah, I really haven't updated at all on the college process. That's just because any energy I have to think about college, I am doing my applications. The moment I hit submit on the latter two, I got really nervous and almost regretted it because I could have edited all my essays ten more times. Still, I'm glad I got it over with; it's a really weird feeling because I have had the stress of applications for months. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion. I especially feel this way for UC, because my whole future is contingent on that application. I want to go there so badly. There is nothing that I want more at this moment, and it will be a ridiculously long two months wait to find out. Of course, that was only the first round of applications, just the early ones. I'm finding that it is hard for me to actually be interested in any school other than UC. I probably have a little fewer than ten schools to apply to, I don't even know. It just depends on my mood and how busy I am at this point.
        Today my school guidance counselor sent me a pass saying she wanted to "touch base" with me. She told me how much she enjoyed writing my letter of recommendation, and also that she was surprised to find that I am a year younger than others in my grade. I didn't even really consider this factor when I was helping her write my letter of recommendation, I don't even think about this. She said that older students have a natural advantage from the beginning, and this continues throughout their life spans. As a younger student who is still doing well in advanced classes, it is supposed to be really impressive. I always figured that it didn't make that much of a difference; I skipped from half of first grade to halfway through second grade, it was a head start at a young age. I didn't skip anything important or that I didn't already know. However, apparently teenagers mature very quickly. It could completely account for my freshman year. That one year made all the difference. I am feeling a little more confident in the applications process. She is really so sweet to me. I don't know why I would deserve any of the things I have in life, and I am so grateful for them. I have gotten so much support from everyone. Even my family; they paid around $200 in merely application fees yesterday. I just realized how much this process is going to cost. At about $100 per college, (application fees, ACT and SAT scores, transcripts, etc.) it's a tough process. It costs so much to apply and possibly get rejected.
        Anyway, I got 100 on my English test today. I don't think I deserved it. I wrote less and barely marked up the poems we were analyzing, while people next to me did much more and got little credit for it. I always thought it would be nice to be a teacher's favorite, but I just feel guilty mostly. I mean, I'm a favorite because I participate in class, do all my work, and have good ideas, so it's not totally unfounded. Yet, it still doesn't seem right. I don't know. I'm grateful for everything, even if I don't deserve it, and I'm sure that I can make the best of whatever happens to me.

what is the point of threats

Maybe I would have done what you told me to anyway, but then you had to go and threaten me and insult me. Apparently you expect me to be really happy to do your bidding after you just made me feel like absolute shit. Then you yell at me for having a bad attitude. I try to tell you to not threaten me and please not treat me like I killed someone the other day, but you keep telling me to shut up when I try to speak because you don't want to hear it. I can't tell you what I feel, and even if I could it wouldn't matter. You don't care what I feel.

When I do do your bidding because I have no other options, you clearly enjoy your power rush. Still though, you are upset because I don't seem to be a happy little sheep when I do it. Nonetheless, I do it, and you are relieved. You will use this as an example in the future of how I need to be threatened in order to get anything done. I can't refute lest you become upset with me again, and you have that set idea in your mind anyway. I am reinforcing your behavior because I have no choice, and I indeed become the docile, obedient robot you always wanted me to be.

It's as if you have to exert power over me or else I will lose respect for you. If by respect you mean fear, then you are correct. However I have some news for you. I have already lost all respect for you and that's likely not going to change. Respect is difficult to earn back. I know that only horrible kids don't respect their parents, but I'm okay with being one of those if it means being honest. Yes, I do agree that you are entitled to some degree of respect because you had sex and birthed me and gave me food and shelter. However much respect that got you though, has been negated tenfold. Perhaps I have lost your respect too, but that's okay because it's for things like trying to nap after school. I do it maybe once a week, and then I get a rant about a vicious cycle that will ruin my circadian rhythm except you don't use the term circadian rhythm because you know nothing about psychology, nor do you care about the state of my mental health.

I probably can't blame you. Your parents were most likely just like this too. At one point you were young and wanted to be great parents and were excited to start a family, but over time you forgot all the parenting books you read. You forgot that I have a mind of my own too, and you certainly don't want to be reminded of it. Every day you find some way to make me want to cut myself. It takes all of my willpower to not do that because I am not supposed to be doing that anymore.
-T.