confidence

        It's my senior year of high school, and I have been steadily gaining confidence. I believed in myself like I never had before. I felt good about myself and I felt good about going to school. People at school liked me and with some effort I was doing great in all of my classes. I even hung out with people twice already this winter break, and it's only been half a week. I never hang out with people. Too much guilt usually, but I've talked about that before.
        All of that has been dashed in the past two days. I don't know why I am taking that admissions decision to heart so much. All the memorabilia of UChicago are ubiquitous around my house. My home page is still their website. I can't bring myself to change it. I see a picture of the campus, I see people I follow on Tumblr debating which dorm to get, I see them posting their acceptance letters, I see the people on Facebook who were accepted, and I can't stand it. They deserve it so much and I am really happy that they got in, they all worked so hard for it, but I wanted to be there too. Every time I see anything like this, which is so often, I just start bawling.
        I am feeling a pain that I haven't felt in a while. The little bit of confidence I had simply dissipated. I can't focus on my other college applications. I don't feel that I deserve to college anywhere. I want to disappear much of the time.
-T.