hb

        I turned 17 today. I used to really like birthdays, but this year I keep feeling uncomfortable and realizing that it is a completely selfish holiday. I was thinking of doing something for my birthday and inviting friends over but I think I'd feel awkward with all the attention on me. Plus then people would feel obligated to get me presents and I don't like that. EE bought me an adorable kitten card that meows happy birthday and $20, and that was very nice but for the most part I just don't like presents. Congrats, I was born, therefore I deserve whatever I want just doesn't seem right to me. I told my parents I didn't want anything, even though that wasn't true. There were a lot of things I could have asked for, but I didn't want to give them anything they could hold over me. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy that kind of a gift anyway.
        I didn't get any presents from my famly but I did go out to dinner with them and it was very yummy and I love sushi and so that was enough. I didn't even feel like anything was missing. I got $50 of Chinese New Year money from family friends anyway, so that will last me the year hopefully. I think I talked D out of buying me anything and he's at college anyway so I'm hoping he hasn't thought of getting me anything. He bought me those $160 Jeffrey Campbell Litas for Christmas, and I am super guilty and I never want any more presents from him again. Asking for those I think was the most selfish thing I have ever done. My friends invited me out tomorrow and I declined. I don't want our time together to be about  me. I don't like it when people sing happy birthday to me or tell me happy birthday or eat cake for my sake. It's just awkward. There are a lot of things I wanted and could have asked for, but I don't want them from anyone. This makes me even more sure than ever that I need to make my own money and spend it. If I had the world available to me at my whims, it wouldn't mean anything to me. I need to work for something to really relish it. I can't wait to do that for the rest of my life.
-T.