I think I cheated on LE. I hooked up with CM. I can't say that it was an accident at all, even though I was tipsy. Maybe I needed to experiment a little, but the fact of the matter was that for a few moments my thoughts were focused on another person and wanting her sexually. I hate myself a little, but it needed to happen and I don't regret it. It won't happen again and if for some reason it does then I'll probably just kill myself. LE just said that I shouldn't do it again, but I'm not sure whether or not it actually hurt him or upset him and he wouldn't tell me.
I almost a little bit wish that I had had a little time to experiment and hook up with randos, especially girls, just for the experience before starting another rather serious relationship. But now I'm with LE and that's going to be the case I hope for a very very long time and I wouldn't do anything to change that. Except I wonder if this is another manifestation of me trying to ruin a good thing for myself. Sometimes I can feel myself being really irritating and doing stupid things just to try to get a rise out of him. I don't think I've ever seen him genuinely angry and that's so weird. I'm so afraid of myself and what I might do just to make things chaotic just because chaos is normal and comforting to me. He really should be with someone who isn't actively trying to mess up his life.
If I think really hard I know that he's not actually angry with me but I'm just going to pretend like he is and feel like it because I like the torture I guess.
rnt i dumm
-T.
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