I am stupid.

        I am not eloquent and I don't think critically. If a decent thought does ever cross my mind, self-doubt and despair won't ever let me act on it. I'll never be an entrepreneur or make break-through discoveries. All I know how to do is prepare myself for tests on a path that others have set. I won't know how to take risks and set up my own tests. I am curious person, but I don't have the drive to do anything of significance. Maybe I have the ability to do things, in fact I probably do, but I'll always give up if the task appears daunting.
         I've been called "naturally smart," a "genius," etc. I am none of these. Maybe there is potential in me somewhere but I won't let myself ever actually be successful. I can't help but to see all the places something could go wrong. My current internship is marketing-based, and the tasks are simple enough but sometimes involve interacting with people. I can type up emails and letters and send them out but I can't stand the thought of actually meeting with people and pitching the company. I am culturally and socially inept. If I ever come up with a great idea, I'll freeze up when it comes time to present it to others and convince them of my merit. I am the worst at persuasion and small talk.
         I like LE. He lets me just sit there stupidly in silence while he talks for hours on end. I just like sitting in his presence, but I fear that he is going to tire of me if he hasn't already. I never have anything insightful or interesting to share. All I do is say stupid awkward stuff that amuses him, but never anything of substance. He'll tell me about history and ethics and involved strategies and music while I just nod and stare. It's not that I wish he would talk less. I appreciate that he talks so much, because if he didn't our hang-out times would be silent and boring. I just wish that I had the ability to share half as much novel and interesting information as he does.
        Sometimes I watch him talk to other people, DC in particular, and I just sit there dumbfounded. Maybe I am feeling left out, but I just want to be DC in that regard. She knows all the things ever and can talk about anything. She can actually uphold her end of a conversation with LE. He needs someone like her. I wish so much that I could measure up to LE and all his smarts. It is atrocious that people walk around thinking that I'm smart when really I'm just so stupid, especially compared to people like LE who will rarely be recognized for who they are. I'm so not good enough for him. I want more than anything to be as perfect for him as he is for me. I want to not want to smoke weed because LE doesn't like that. I want to not kiss other people. I want to be smarter and skinnier and funnier and nicer and also less pessimistic about myself.
-T.