9.17.2012
23
I am so not a numerologist but the number 23 is consuming me this year. It's very weird and inexplicable but everything important is 23. 23 is bouncing in my cranium and etching the insides of my eyes. 23 is UChicago x 2, so does that make UChicago 11 and a half? 23 is BHS ending and beginning. 23 started in March, maybe earlier. Every 23 is a sentiment and intimation of the future. 23 is all my doubts and expectations and the demarcations of my life. There should be more 23 but there is already too much. I think it will end this month.
9.10.2012
life is like the stock market.
Some days I just want to die. Not because I hate life, not because it's even particularly bland. I'm in a weird limbo phase between high school and college, and all of my friends have already left except for LE and a few in high school. I should really be living semi-independently now, studying and meeting new people, but I'm at home trying to avoid my family and then getting guilt-tripped for not talking to my grandma more. (She's okay but I just really don't have anything to say to her??)
I don't know what two weeks from now is going to be like, and for some reason I have this stupid perception that college is going to determine a lot and be a huge new chapter in my life. Maybe I'm afraid. I'm scared that I made all the wrong decisions and I'm going to hate college like some of my friends already do. What if I can't manage my money, or find a job, or keep up with the school work? What if I can't control myself at parties? Moving out is going to take a toll on my relationship with LE. There are so many things that could go wrong.
Dying would just make everything secure. I would never know what college was like, but I would never let it ruin itself. My love for LE would never falter. I would never come to the realization that I need to depend on others to live.
At the same time, life is like the stock market. I don't really want it to end because despite all my worries, there is the small possibility that things are going to get even better. Not just as good as I think they will get, but astronomically better. There are a lot of possible risks of venturing into the future, but the possible rewards taunt me into staying. The future could be like nothing I've ever thought, and I'm curious.
-T.
I don't know what two weeks from now is going to be like, and for some reason I have this stupid perception that college is going to determine a lot and be a huge new chapter in my life. Maybe I'm afraid. I'm scared that I made all the wrong decisions and I'm going to hate college like some of my friends already do. What if I can't manage my money, or find a job, or keep up with the school work? What if I can't control myself at parties? Moving out is going to take a toll on my relationship with LE. There are so many things that could go wrong.
Dying would just make everything secure. I would never know what college was like, but I would never let it ruin itself. My love for LE would never falter. I would never come to the realization that I need to depend on others to live.
At the same time, life is like the stock market. I don't really want it to end because despite all my worries, there is the small possibility that things are going to get even better. Not just as good as I think they will get, but astronomically better. There are a lot of possible risks of venturing into the future, but the possible rewards taunt me into staying. The future could be like nothing I've ever thought, and I'm curious.
-T.
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